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Yeah this probably won't be up for too long~But there ya go that's me!

Regular Basis Blogging and Falling Asleep On Doors

So now that R. is back to work I can finally start blogging more...I was thinking about putting my picture up but I'm not sure yet, I have to think about it more..So before R. went back to work we got a hotel room for a couple days, well like a week, that was pretty cool except that we almost got kicked out the first day due to me being retarded on klonopins and methadone...I was smoking a cigarette outside and I went to walk in behind this couple and I fucking fell asleep holding the door open...Oppss..Haha..But the front office called him to come down and get me but by the time he had gotten down I was already going up the stairs, so when I got to our floor where the elevator is and our room (they were right across from each other) I go to head for the room and I hear the elevator doors open behind me so I turned around and oh lucky me there he is..Ugh..He went into one of his usual tirades about how I'm a useless cunt and we can't stay here anymore and well you know all that good stuff...He was lying because like I said that was our first day and we stayed for a week..The only good thing about when he gets like that I usually only remember half of what he says cause I'm so loaded..It's weird though I never feel as fucked up as I apparently am....God what I wouldn't do for a shot of dope I could actually feel, one that makes me melt into the wall. All his bitching and moaning would be worth it if I was as fucked up as he thought I was...I think I might have to get some coke just to shoot up something I can feel..
This is a totally different subject but that's how my mind works I think really fast about 20 different things at once, but I really miss doing things for myself, doing anything at all...I miss going out and doing shit..R has just wore me down soooo much I feel like I'm climbing out of a dark hole..As far as I'm concerned I'm just existing not living...I have to change something quick or I'm going to wake up at 40 and go what happened? I just want to be able to take care of my daughter and me, I'm sick of relying on other people, well R for that matter..I haven't talked to my mom in months, not that she did anything for me when we did talk, and my dad..well he,s a joke...R. has done a lot for me, maybe too much, but I love him and that's why I stay..
Anyway I'll be posting more if anyone still checks in..Oh and we got kicked out, I'll save that story for the next post..Kisses....

Happy New Year and Some Rambling...

WHA, WHA, WHA, WHA... For some reason that is all I hear when I read some blogs(you know Charlie Brown's teacher's voice) Melody and I were talking about one blog imparticular, and it's like god is all this really necessary..Now last time I checked this was Blogger.com not PityMe.com or PityParty.com...Please somebody tell me if when your reading my blog and you start to hear that please tell me! Now I know my blog really isn't that great but that's because it's new..and wait what am I thinking I don't have to beg for criticism on here...Oops my bad...

So I had to put that in because I wrote it last time I was on here and didn't post it and thought it was funny..But I haven't been on here in awhile we had this crazy ice storm a couple weeks ago and didn't have power for a week the day it happened I had to drive over tree's just to get to the clinic,no joke, we stayed at R's mom's house but we stayed longer then a week we stayed until the day after X-mas..By the way hope anyone that read's this had a good X-mas...But it was cool until R's mom got sick of us and was like freaking out if my daughter (yes her granddaughter) touched her stuff and she was getting annoyed with me she really wasn't that bad she just had a tone in her voice I didn't like, but whatever were home now and she gave us a pretty good X-mas so it's all good...So New Years also happens to be my mom's b-day and let me tell you my mom is crazy, I love her but she sucks as a mom at least now, she was awesome when I was little but when she divorced her second husband (my brother's dad) she just lost it and it never returned.She's mad because I didn't go see her today....Now just so everyone has some insight I can't remember the last time I saw my mother on my birthday or any day that is supposed to be special or whatever..She expects everything from me but gives nothing in return...She is to selfish to see past her own nose..She says she moved up near me to be closer to me but she just moved to prove to her third husband that she would move and could move...UHG! I don't even want to write about her anymore....
So R. went out to get a pound of weed and has been gone forever, while I'm chillin with the little one...and that is fiiiine with me....Here's a ? for you that read: Have you ever felt like your with the wrong person or with someone for the wrong reasons? I love R. but sometimes I just don't think it will work he is too over powering..I love the Anon. that asked if I'm twelve and live with my daddy..Yeah you hit the nail on the head you fuckin' jackass...Both of those are not true, obviously, it comes down to me not knowing what to do and I'm afraid of getting my daughter taken from me by him. Oh and I love the part about weak women that suck...Who is the weak one not leaving a name, huh? Now that's weak...Anyways enough of that, before I go I will say what I wouldn't do for a shot of dope that I could feel!!!! I hate having a blocker in me!! I miss Heroin alot..I was waay happier on it..I gotta go for now and put my girl to bed I might hop back on later if not Happy New Year somebody do a shot a dope for me, not too much though....:)

Complaints and Frustration, Compliments of R.

Wow, I gotta get on here more if I ever expect to get any readers, and haters ;)...My blog is sooooo boring! Probably because my life is just about as boring, seriously it's so repetitive. Dose k-pins, dose k-pins, that's all it is..I'm not allowed to hang out with any of my old friends and these are the one's that I didn't run around doin' dope with..Most of my old friends are guys and R. doesn't really get that (by the way his court date is fast approaching) he thinks I'm going to run off and bang all of them, which is not the case at all..I really truly miss them, I have had so many chances to get together with so many people that I miss and R. will say yes at first just to shut me up and then when it comes for me to go he has a pissy attitude and I end up staying home because I don't want to deal with him when I get home too late. Fuckin' 9 o'clock is too late to him..I ask him all the time ,and I have been asking him for a couple years now, what where you doing when you were my age? I already know the answer but just to make a point, he was selling drugs, getting fucked up, partying and fucking everything in sight...He thinks that just because he wanted to fuck everything he saw that my friends are the same..Hey maybe they are, I wouldn't know now because I don't see them, but who cares if they want to fuck me it doesn't mean I'm going to fuck them...He just frustrates the fuck outta me sometimes, and he can be really mean. Like yesterday our daughter got into the baby powder and dumped it all over the kitchen, OK no big deal, to me. He comes outta the bedroom and sees it and starts calling me a cunt and all this other bullshit. OK so I'm a cunt because because there is baby powder on the floor? Did I deserve that, I sure as fuck don't think so. Whatever I'm done for now gotta get that dose. I'll definitely be back later cause I have more shit I gotta get out. Actually, here is some crazy shit this kid that I used to run with when I was using dope just got busted for 4 bank robberies, and he did it all without a weapon, just a little note that said I'm sorry, gimme the money. He even said he did it cause of dope..I'm just like wow fuck kid. I feel pretty bad for him, I can't even imagine how sick he is..Maybe I'll put his name up later so you can read the article on Google, but I have to think about it...Kisses.

Prison? Let's Hope Not

So I'm pretty sure my man is going to jail....Probably not for a little while but I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I wouldn't be so worried about it if his record wasn't atrocious, I mean it's not bad it's fucking horrendous, and that's all an understatement. It's been like 4 years since he's been in any trouble but you know cop's and judge's see his record and they get a fucking hard-on cause they know it's just another point against him...The thing that really sucks is it's a felony..He's already a felon but it sucks anyway because it's a bigger charge..
I don't know what the fuck he was thinking..He see's this car parked on the side of the road pulls over wicked fast, runs up to it opens up the side door and takes a bag out of the back..Now I'm in our car like what the fuck is he doing.So he comes running back to the car and drives off like he's being chased by the cops..I'm like what the fuck is going on. He blurts out basically in one sentence that this kid that owes him money from forever ago drives that exact same car and he thought it was his car but it's not the kids car because some dude in galoshes comes running' out of the woods WITH A CAMERA yelling "Hey, stop"..Now I remember when this kid burnt him he used to sell weed and this kid was in jail with him/was his celly so he trusted him to take a look at a bag in his car(cause the kid with the money was in the car) and they took the fuck off. It's really always pissed my man the fuck off because he trusted the kid and thought he was his friend. I'm pretty sure the kid that burnt him was strung out on dope and that's why he did it. Dope sickness will make you do crazy things...So anyways I'm just looking at him like kinda giggling about some guy runnin' out of the woods with galoshes on but kinda not because he had a camera, so I'm like well lets check and see if there's anything in the bag at all.So we open up the bag and there's two huge Nikon lenses in it, and a little empty space where the camera should be..Anyone with a brain knows that these lenses are pretty big jack, well these particular lenses were over a thousand each, I know I checked...So I'm sure you figured out that the dude got pics of my plate # and a couple days later the cops were at my house.They didn't arrest my man then though and the only reason I can think of as to why is because they were from a different city, other than that I have no idea as to why the didn't arrest him, cause he was ready to go and they told him no that they would call us, and they did but they waited a fuckin' month. Why they waited so long I don't know why either. So tomorrow he's going to turn himself in. They said they would let him out on bail, but we'll see if they change their mind.

Sickness and The Cunt

So I'm pretty sure I'm not on the right dose, actually I know I'm not on the right dose....I feel sick every morning that I don't take extra...But whatever I'll deal because I'm totally against going up. I look at it that if I'm on 130mill and I feel shitty in the morning then what am I going to feel like when I come down.I don't plan on being on it forever.I'll never get of it if I keep going up. The lowest I've been on since I've been going to a clinic is 75 the highest 180 but that's when I was pregnant..Yes I had a baby on methadone..Let the crucifying begin..When I got pregnant I was taking street methadone but was off heroin and it wasn't a planned pregnancy but I didn't know that they made you stay on methadone, and at that time I was completely against having a baby on any kind of drug..Having drug addicted baby's is not something I'm into or for for that matter, but I went to a really good program where you got your dose at a hospital everyday so they could monitor you, I mean it was no miracle program you still had to want to be clean (of street drugs) for the program to work, and I had a kick ass counselor that actually gave a shit about the girls she was dealing with and she worked with me for over a year and made me realize that having a baby on methadone was not the end of the world..I would never do it again but like I said it wasn't a planned pregnancy..But I'm glad I went to that program because there were other girls going through the same thing I was so it was nice to have people to talk to about it. I'm actually still friends with one of them, there was another girl there who is probably one of the fakest people I have ever had the dis-pleasure of meeting..Me the girl I'm still friends with and the cunt used to hang out a bit when we were in the program...But I always felt like I was in competition with the cunt and I think she felt the same...I'm not going to go into everything because I don't feel like it right now but I will tell you the end....We used to have a group every week and one of the last things I heard the cunt say was how disgusting she thought needles were and that anyone that used them were disgusting(mind you there were like 3 new girls in there who where all H addict and needle users) She just wanted to look better then everyone else and she did a pretty good job at it, but by the time her daughter was probably 8 months she was already with her mother, and the cunt was shooting up again....She ended up going to jail getting out and became a junkie all over again, and now she's in jail again...Now I could really give a fuck less that she relapsed and lost her daughter, you know shit happens and who am I to crucify someone, but it was the fact that she was such a cunt to me and that she acted like her shit didn't stink..I'm glad she lost her daughter she deserves it but the little girl doesn't and now the little girls father is dead...So now the little girl is still with the cunt's mother..I a;ways wonder about the little girl how she is, and how she will turn out.....Gotta go.

Morning can never come soon enough!

I'm waiting for morning to roll around..like I do every Sunday and Wednesday because I can't control myself and always fuck with my dose...Well not always but for the most part when I get my take homes (I'm on four but I only get two at a time) the same thought always goes through my head Sweet, I'm gonna feel gooood today and usually I do and the next day I feel alright too thanxs to my kpins but the day after always sucks...You know they say that methadone is supposed to take away cravings and for me it did at first when I was getting high off it....So of course I'm not going to have any cravings I was getting high, but when I started not to feel the methadone, well I'm sure you can guess my cravings came back....Don't get me wrong I think methadone is a good thing, for the right person...Like for me and any other needle junkie....Because the needle is a whole other addiction in it's self..So it got me off the needle, but now I just feel like I'm in a rut, but that's not the methadones fault it's my own..I just need to get out more...Me not getting out isn't entirely my fault but I'll save that for another day..And I'll save alot more for another day too, I feel like shit but I wanted to get this thing started and it passed the time a little..My next post will be nice and long, even though no one is reading.......yet.